Lately, I feel like all the insecurities I experience have been controlling me more and more. Take this blog for instance. I started out saying I was going to do all sorts of posts, then I stuck with just recipes because they were the easiest. Then I didn't post anything at all. Even though I was cooking, taking pictures and typing up the posts. I just wouldn't upload the pictures. Absolutely ridiculous! I started to think why wasn't I just taking the 3 minutes it took to upload the pictures? At first I kept telling myself it is because I am so busy. But, I know that is not the truth. I was scared. I did not want this to be a recipe blog but for some reason that is what it has become. Why? Because it sure is a heck of a lot easier than writing about something I am passionate about, or my opinions. When you write about your opinions then you are setting yourself up for ridicule and I most certainly do not want to ridiculed. I am to scared to deal with that. This blog is just one of my insecurities that I have been dealing with recently.
Another is friendship. I have a great group of friends, both in Columbus and back home. As well as the friendships I created in college. Somehow though I always over think those friendships and end with the conclusion that they aren't really truly my friends, so and so is mad at me, or they are my friends but don't value my friendship as much as I do theirs. Again, this is completely ridiculous. I have an amazing group of friends but I still always allow my insecurities to potentially ruin those friendships. A perfect example of this is: Nic and I are always having our friends over. We love doing this and it makes sense that we do it. We have a house, with decent size yard, we are married and we bring our group of friends together, without us several of them wouldn't know each other and be friends. But, of course I somehow turn the fact that we usually plan things into a bad thing. Which it isn't at all (so any of my friends who are reading this please don't thing that that is what I am saying.) Recently, I broke down and told all of this to a very good friend of mine. He basically said everything that I said about why it is a good thing, but he also said "every universe has a sun, not saying that you are our sun but you and Nic keep us all together and that is a good thing." It was exactly what I needed to hear. I always over think things, I guess this is why my mother always tells me I am too sensitive.
The last insecurity I am going to put out there for the world is my insecurity about children. I was told a couple of months ago that if I want to have children I should probably start soon, or it might not happen. I am only 24, this is not what a newlywed 24 year old wants to hear. I have a condition, anyone who wants more information can ask, that affect the whole child thing. It's not fair. I know, the world isn't fair but this really really isn't fair. I have a sibling who had 4 children by the time they were 23, had no business having 4 children, could not support them and eventually gave up and now my mom and the other grandparents are raising them. I went to college, got a decent job with a great company, got married, bought a house, did everything you are suppose to do, and now the one thing I have always wanted may never happen. I hate to be disappointed, anytime I am I always hold out hope that it will change. I hate it so much so that a part of me doesn't even want to try for children because then I might be disappointed and I don't know how I would handle that kind of disappointment. If I choose not to then its my choice, and I am in control. I am also terrified that I am going to be a terrible mom, absolutely terrible. I can be selfish, lazy, sarcastic, mean, I have the temper of a red-head (and if you don't know that means you are lucky to never have dealt with it). Those are not the characteristics of a good mom. It scares me more than anything else, but if I want it I have to just suck it up and deal with it and get over that fear. Right? What other choice do I have?
Why do I allow these insecurities control me? Why do I always think the worst? I am not the only person who does this, I know that for sure. I wish I knew all of these answers. I have to keep working on my blog and can't get discouraged if I don't do a post for a week. I know my friends would do anything for me, they really truly are a great group of people and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I know that one way or another I am going to be a mom. I know I will be a great mom, I have 9 nieces and nephews and I would so anything for them. I love spoiling them as much as I can, I love spending time with them. I know that Nic and I will be fantastic parents. For some reason I think the worst, jump to the worst possible conclusion and allow all that negativity and fear control me. This affects my relationships, my job, and my happiness. I have decided that everyday I am going to start the day with saying 5 positive things, not necessarily about me specifically but 5 things that are going to help my day be better. I encourage as many people as possible to do this also. Thinking positively can greatly improve your life. Hopefully, I will learn to be less insecure.
Sad stuff over.
Tip: My friend Cassie recently taught me that if you are looking for a vase filler try beans, like black eyed peas. Very inexpensive and it looks very cool! Picture below.
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